Dealing with grief

Whether we want to or not, each one of us will experience loss to death at some point in our lives. People pass away but life still must continue. We still need to go to bed, wake up in the morning and do the best we can do with the day ahead. There are 5 stages of grief. I think is important to be aware of this, maybe for yourself going through the process or to support someone else going through that process.

Firstly, denial is usually around the time of the persons death. We know that physically the person is gone but our minds have not quite caught up yet. I personally felt this for a while after the passing of my Nana, even being at the funeral still almost did not feel real. I tried to avoid the topic because talking about it was too painful and I stayed away from people incase it was brought up in conversation “I’m okay, I’ll be fine”. Usually people are so busy with the logistics of dealing with a person’s death, that you can throw yourself into organizing your way through the process. When the logistics slow down and things come to a bit of end, it can really sink in what has happened.

Following denial is anger, “why did they leave me”, “This is not fair”, “They should not have died”. It is okay to feel angry during grieving. Anger tends to cover up sadness, it is easier to lash out and be mad than to feel sad.

The next stage is bargaining, perhaps if you are religious you may pray for unrealistic goals such as “If I could just have that person back for one day” or “If they could just be at my wedding”. You just desperately want to bargain with time.

Depression can become a result of bereavement however, it is normal to experience depression as part of the 5 stages of grief. If feelings of depression persist for more than two months following the loss, then according to the DSM this can be diagnosed as depression. Personally, I feel that you could experience depression in relation to the 5 stages of grief for longer than two months without it being clinical depression.

Depression in a nut-shell is extreme sadness which of course you would feel if you lose someone you love. You may experience a lack of interest in doing things you otherwise would enjoy. A lack of appetite. You may feel tired because the situation is emotionally exhausting. It may cause anxiety and overthinking which is something I myself struggle with. For some people this may trigger feelings of self-harm urges or eating disorders. To express your feelings in a way you know how, during mental anguish and pain. It is essential to check in with yourself and how you are feeling, listen to your body and reach out to someone.

Finally, the last stage is acceptance. You understand and accept that the person is gone. You can reflect on and enjoy your memories of that person. Sometimes talk about feeling guilt once they have accepted their loss, but it is a natural part of the process, and when we feel happiness it does not discount our feelings for that person. I am sure they would want to see the people left behind feeling happy.

This is by no means a checklist or a set way of how you will experience grief. You can (and probably will) flit between the stages. You may feel that you have accepted it, but then a life event comes up and you wish they were there to help. You might then find yourself back to bargaining or even feeling angry that they aren’t there. It is completely OK for this to happen.

It is not always just our own grief we have to deal with. I think what is most difficult sometimes is seeing other people grieve. My mum grieving the loss of her mum, and my grandad grieving his wife. What I have learnt is I cannot fix their pain, as much as I want to. What I can do is educate myself on how to help them and be there in any way that I can.

Things that help me now are allowing myself to feel upset if and when I need. If I feel like crying, I will just cry. I think we all feel embarrassed a little or like we need to pull ourselves together when the water works come on but, it is a normal and healthy reaction for men and women. I feel a sense of relief afterwards.

I try to keep my Nana close, I wear her rings because I think it means she is looking after me (maybe they’re just jewelry but it brings me comfort), and generally if I need to talk about her passing I will. I go with however I feel at the time.

One thing to note is that, while we must keep going and adapt, we do not need to ‘move on’. Moving on suggests we forget, and we stop going through these stages. However, we do not need to live in a world where those people we loved are gone in every way. They still existed, and they are still important to us. We can still remember them and feel close to them.